Shit, it's been a while since I've looked at my blog but I'm going through so much I feel like I had to write it down somewhere before I lose my shit.
Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to fit any cute stories about my daughter in this post, maybe next time. I just need to get this out or I'll explode out of pure hurt.
As said multiple times before, my daughter's father is an awful human being but the stunt pulled as of late takes the cake.
It's been a long week.
Walking Dead's premiere is on but I'm too engulfed in my feelings to pay attention to the awesome gore and Morgan and Michonne's cute banter about a damn protein bar.
Shyah's dad has a girlfriend who had her kid couple months after I had mine. Apparently, he's madly in love, Great for him. But that love is entwined in the mistreatment of my daughter.
See, he only comes around when they're on the rocks which is every couple of months. It's like absolute clock work.
Starts with a bullshit ass text like "when you coming into town" or "send me a pic of my daughter"
to which I oblige. I know I shouldn't respond but dammit, I'm so consumed with the need for him to love her that I fucking try. I try every motherfucking time and its like a slap in my face all over again.
So then after I send pics, the conversation turns into light banter and "how's life, blah blah blah" to "when can I see you and her again" to "I miss you, I love you, us being together again would make me happy" *throws up in mouth
Here's the thing, "BD" is a whore. He's what we refer to as "Community" and unfortunately, I was far too stupid to realize that I wouldn't be the one to change him BEFORE he knocked me up.
(I have to thank him. He gave me the best thing that any woman could ever have. Had he not left me pregnant and alone to go create an entirely new family, I would not have gotten my shit together. I wouldn't have went back to school and make good grades and essentially, gotten accepted into nursing school with a 3.8 GPA all while there was a baby suckling at my breasts. So with that, I say thank you and fuck you in the same breath).
He spills that sentimental bullshit in my ear expecting it to make an impact in the fact that I can barely stand the sight of him so that I can bring Shy somewhere private enough and maybe I'll sleep with him. I've learned from my mistakes and I refuse to be in that position so the plan is always to meet in public.
Anyway, the routine.
After I try my hardest to get him to do something with her or I constantly ask him when he's gonna see her, the time comes for him to disappear.
"BabyLove" forgives him and he dips. No longer needing the distraction of my voice on the phone or the lovely stream of our child's pictures, he disappears. He's gone as quickly as he came and I'm left angry and filled with rage.
I could care less about his personal life and how he gets his rocks off but the way he treats our child is HATEFUL. Our child calls my cousin "daddy" because she doesn't even know that fool's face. I can change my attitude towards him in any way and he STILL could care less about her unless it benefits him.
I tried the whole "If I give him what he wants, maybe then he'll see her more" and it left me feeling like this dirty person that sold my soul for nothing because after he got what he wanted, our kid still didn't matter.
I don't ask for money, clothes, diapers, wipes, shoes or a $0.95 can of fucking baby food. I ask for TIME. I ask for him to call her and tell her he loves her. FaceTime her so she knows his face, so that she knows who "daddy" really is. I asked for him to spend some time with her as often as both of our schedules allow, and that my friends, is far too much.
The last time my child saw her "father" was the end of July at Chuck E Cheese, where he hardly paid her any attention. The same day he threatened to post my nudes if I didn't sleep with him *gags
I am in no way, an innocent bystander. Our hate is mutual but for some reason, he takes it out on Shyah, where he knows it'll hurt me.
When you have time to take vacations and hang out VERY OFTEN at Disney with your Fiancé, your other kid and her child, but can't spend an hour with your child while I go to the library to study, it's personal. When you can go sign your name on all your other children's birth certificates and walk out without thinking about signing our child's, its personal.
Because I'm not comfortable with his living situation and the fact that he's not the most responsible person, I can't trust my little girl to be with him overnight. But for a hour at the park while I study isn't too much to ask for.
(And before anyone comments on him being irresponsible, he was far too busy flirting with God knows who to notice that his 5 y/o son went missing in Chuck E Cheese's. So yeah, that shit is out of the question)
It's so upsetting because she is this tiny, innocent human that never asked for me to be stupid and bring her into existence with a dummy like him, and that is a burden I'll have to bare every time I look at her, but My God, she's a baby.
I knew he was a piece of work but I never expected this type of hatred for the child that we made.
God knows there is no love left but, she's his child.
Anyways, after he dips off, I go into a rage and tell him how I wished I'd never met him but none of that ever reaches him because our little girl just doesn't matter.
And how beautiful, and smart, and funny, and cool this kid is, (The best &prettiest of all) and that goes unnoticed and unloved.
So I start to blame myself. "Maybe I shouldn't have said this, or done that" and I feel shittier than I felt when it began and thus begins the anger again.
What the fuck, man.
Life would be so easy if he weren't her father. I pray everyday for a do-over. I don't even have to be with the imaginary-do-over-person, but he could just be a dad that helps. A dad that'll watch Shyah while I study for school. A dad that'll pick her up from daycare so I can work some extra hours to make ends meet. A Dad that LOVES her. Where is this dedicated dad that "BD" is to his other kid, his favorite kid? In mine and Shyah's world, he just doesn't exist. While I'm juggling clinical's and trying to figure out how to make some money in between class and shuffling to find sitters for our child, this BOY is more a father to his step-son than he is to his own flesh. How do I feel?
Like absolute shit. And I fucking hate him for it. She deserves more. She deserves better. She was made in a love that no longer exists. A love that he will never reciprocate to our beautiful little girl.
There are many things a woman can forgive, treating our child badly will never be one of them